PROW Journal CA2 - 7th Song + Reflection

I was satisfied with what I had created. I enjoyed every minute of creating the song to the point where I wasn't even looking at the grade anymore. I just wanted to create this the way I wanted it to. I was every bit satisfied. But along the way I ran into a lot of self-questioning and reflections.

Reflection:

This reflection is really important to me right now because of all the thoughts I've had over the past few weeks. But to save time I've compressed my thoughts into just 1 question and how I feel about it, and possibly receive more answers in the future.

Question 1: Experience or Grades?

This question alone drove me into very deep thought and nearly drove me mad. It almost stripped me away of every motivation I had for music and drove me into many dark thoughts. I didn't know what to do for majority of the PROW sessions because I was confused with what to pick as stated in the question. I knew where I was comfortable at with writing and which style I'm accustomed to. Should I stay in my comfort zone and just focus on ways to boost up that differentiation factor? Or should I try to create something where I know I won't do well in but have that enjoyment in the process and learn something I may not know? Things like techniques in EDM or musical forms which I may not have learned in my usual acoustic zone. Throughout out my PROW i've learnt many cool things and concepts which I've tried to implement but often the results are quite crashing and often wants to drive me back into that zone which I stubbornly refused to. I thought maybe the things I've learnt were too common that everyone already knew and I should've focused on something different. But if I hadn't learn those things during my PROW, then wouldn't that mean that I'm lesser than the average musician since its something thats common? What about my objectives in a song? I realised this in my PROW that whenever I wanted to write something with an objective to signify a certain message, I find myself digging and clawing my way into finding out different ways to show that and in the end it always comes in the form of delivery rather than the idea itself. Or do the opposite of whats normally done. If I wanted to write about love then the creative approach would be revolving how to use hate to link to love or if I wanted to write sad songs I'd have to put it in a vinyl tape or a letter. Or if certain type of songs had layering in a hyped song I'd just use one layer or something like that. I understand that doing this drives me to think and to be creative but what about just raw emotion and learning process thats put into a song? No effects, no unique format, no special story. Just an intended message and intended emotion. Its like I'm at the point thinking whether I should think to score or learn to feel.

As I thought more and more about it, I realise that not much of what is learnt is ever reflected in the result. Slowly I feel my motivation for music waning away as I drown in my thoughts of discouragement and confusion over what music is to me anymore. Hopefully I regain that motivation again during the school break.